Shoen that maketh me swoon.

Madison Harding’s product description for their Janis Bootie suggests that you “exercise your right to dress like a rockstar.” By “rockstar,” I assume they mean “minimum-wage Renaissance Faire employee.”

 

Janis Bootie from Madison Harding

"Wouldst thou like to watcheth the jousting tournament, my lady?"

P.S. Janis Joplin probably never wore anything called a “bootie.”

 

You are a hot tranny mesh.

Okay, so I know that the ’80s are “back” and all, but the ’80s weren’t even acceptable in the ’80s. Ergo, just say NO to mesh shoes, no matter what Dolce & Gabbana tries to tell you.

Dolce & Gabbana Peep-Toe Booties

New Wave is no way to dress your feet, Dolce & Gabbana.

It’s ironic for a shoe that so obviously belongs in a bordello to be called the “Peep-Toe Bootie,” as though it would be more comfortable in a playpen. D&G could at least have called their flashback something more appropriate, like the “Hookers In Jail Stiletto.”

Polka Don’t

To be clear, I love polka dots. I also love Minnie Mouse.

I do not, however, love Demonia’s Minnie shoe:

 

The Minnie shoe from Demonia.

Pixelated vomitsauce from Demonia.

I do not love it at all. It’s like a Roy Lichtenstein portrait gone horribly, horribly wrong. Oh, and Shoe? Alfred Hitchcock called. He wants his vertigo back.

 

Cement shoes with a twist.

Um…these shoes? They come with their very own set of BRASS KNUCKLES.

 

 

Mafia shoe from Leg Avenue

I'll make you an offer you can't refuse: Get Leg Avenue's Mafia shoe out of my sight.

They are called the “Mafia” shoe, so I guess they need protection. And they’re kind of hot, in a dirty way. But srsly, if you wear this shoe, you are making a Very Specific statement, and you had best be able to back it up, is all I’m sayin’.

 

Does the carpet match the drapes?

You guys!!! Can you believe these shoes are REAL?

The Doda shoe from KiKi*C

The drapes on the Doda shoe from KiKi*C do NOT match my carpet, thank you very much.

It looks like a window valance! I don’t even know what to say about this shoe. I feel like I must be hallucinating it.

Ghost shoes!!!

A macabre video short for Black Friday!

 

A Culturally Insensitive Thanksgiving.

In an epic display of tastelessness, buycostumes.com has some Thanksgiving shoes for your purchasing pleasure! I couldn’t decide which shoe and accompanying description was most offensive, so for a Thanksgiving treat, you get to see THREE PAIRS, plus totally gauche commentary pulled directly from their website! Yay!

Tan Fringe

"This Native look is sure to turn some heads! Frolic in the forest in style with these natively sexy shoes! The Cherokee Adult Shoes include layers of fringe."

 

Brown Fringe Flats

"Stomp your feet to a great Halloween Party! Complete your Native look for Halloween with these fringed sandals! Perfect for a Pow-Wow."

Brown Fringe High Heels

"A perfect Pow-Wow look! Funky heels with a Native American twist, these shoes are the perfect way to complete your Native look!"

I know, right? This is extra-appropriate for the holiday on which we celebrate the short-lived friendship between Europeans and Native Americans, which was followed quickly by the destruction of Native American culture via land-stealing, over-hunting of indigenous animals, and, the pièce de résistance, smallpox blankets.

Um…yeah…

…Happy Thanksgiving!